confronting hell

We all face many trials and tribulations during our lives. This morning I am wrestling with my own dilemma - do I risk visiting my former colleagues (and to be honest many of them are still good friends of mine) by going in to my former office, aka hell, and risk seeing the demon headmasters?

Just like to clarify that have the day off to go to a wedding, held in the town I used to work in. And am accompanying boy to drop one of the bridesmaids off at the hairdressers shortly (as my toe - now THIS, or something like it - still renders me unable to drive). So not just randomly going there.

The thing is, it's not been too long since I left. Well, not long enough for the hellish memories to have faded. I love the people - well my peers at least - but me and the management.... well maybe they don't know how to deal with feisty and assertive women (ahem), being of the old school, public schoolboy genre. I left on pleasant enough terms but don't know if really want to face them.

Especially not when haven't showered and my toe is still taped up. But would be so nice to see my friends again....

toe update

I can now confirm that Waterloo station has no visible elevators. What do you do there if you are disabled?! Escalator finally working on Friday.

Following on from previous post, step on me once and mentally I'll brand you a buttmunch. Step on me a second time and you deserve everything that's coming your way. I will unleash the full wrath of koo on you. Take note. (Tourist or not, there's no blinking excuse when you've already done it once. And I don't feel bad if your guilt forces you to change seats.)

The toe is still THIS colour. Too much walking and not enough rest, sadly :( Foot swollen once more too. Dammit.

And the holiday fat has been added to by comfort-eating-over-foot fat from earlier last week. Goddam.

it's not my fault you're a buttmunch

I've come to the conclusion that to be disabled in London would suck. I've been commuting with munted foot for just two days and I hate it.

Work kindly agreed to let me work from home on Monday. I could totally get used to it. I had my music, I could dress even more informally than normal, it was totally great. But I didn't want to take advantage so I ventured in on Tuesday.

Big mistake, given how swollen my munted foot was.

The train ride in was largely ok. Except it was even busier than normal and there was only one seat left. At a table, on the inside. Which clearly was never going to work with my foot. I approached (read: hobbled) and asked the man in the aisle seat if anyone was sitting there, as is customary. He replied with the customary shake of his head and went to move his bag.

This is where I deviated from the normal protocol.

"Um, do you mind if I take the aisle seat and you move to the window?" I began hesitantly. He looked at me as if to say "demanding little so and so". I then gestured at my bandaged toes (visible to all since the only shoes I can wear at the moment are sandals) and added "I've fractured my toe so it would be good to have more room."

This is one reason I wish I had been given a crutch. At least then my muntiness would be visible to all.

Train gets in to Waterloo.

Waterloo station is just not disabled-friendly at all. If I was in a wheelchair, the lifts down to the bus stops are either non-existent or not obviously signed. (Note to self: look for elevators tomorrow.) No problem, I'll take the usual escalator down - walking down stairs is much harder than walking up.

Wrong. The past two days the down escalator has been broken. So I've had to limp down, one stair at a time, like an unsteady two-year old. With people rushing past. I could almost hear the exasperation. Yes, I like to walk slow. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than walking like a muppet, getting in people's way and generally slowing everyone down. Everyone gets their kicks some way, this is mine.

Buttmunches.

The bus yesterday was fine. Fortunately bus bud was there (hurrah!) so as well as having company, I had a pseudo bodyguard. The ride went without incident.

Got to work (having collected tea and a danish en route - cheers bus bud!), got in lift up to desk on 3rd floor. No problem. Down at lunch then back up again. End of the day I hobble to the lift.

The lift at work is one of those old fashioned ones, where you have to manually shut the gates yourself to get it to work. Frequently people do not close the door properly, prompting many a "can all floors please check the lift doors" email. I think we all know where this is going.

Some buttmunch (although at the time the word I used began with f and rhymes with tucker) had left the gate open on a different floor. It was gone 7. Most people had left for the day. Cussing the inconsiderate sod loudly and repeatedly, I eventually made it down the 3 flights of stairs, having grumped at my nice and understanding editor that I wouldn't make it in again, I'd had enough.

I came in again today.

The train ride was fine, no incidents. The bus was a different story.

I'm sitting in my seat, leg stretched out as that's the only way my foot is comfortable. I'm once again wearing the sandals, meaning the bandages are visible. Guy next to me stands up. Kicks my foot. I yelp with pain.

He shoots me a "what the f***" look.

"I have a fractured toe and you just kicked it!" I inform him, not too politely either. What, I was in pain!

He shoots me a look that says "crazy munted person, shouldn't be getting on a bus and mixing with us unmunted people and putting your feet in our way". Yes, that's right, cause it was totally my fault. Again, gives me kicks.

Buttmunch.

Listen, it's as much my fault as it is that the sky is blue. It just happens, get over it. No need to be such a dick about it.

Made me think about a couple stories in the paper recently, particularly one where a little girl was the victim of a hit and run and crawled to the roadside. At least ten other cars drove past - and reportedly swerved around her. Not a single one stopped to help her. When did we stop caring? Helping each other? At what point did we become oblivious to the people around us, and realise that maybe some need help or just a bit of time?

I don't wish to comapre my plight to hers. It's more to highlight how impersonal we seem to have become. I guess my point is slow down, look and don't be a buttmunch.

TOE UPDATE

The colour is fading a bit, hurrah, but is still quite dark. Is now close to this colour, having been THIS a couple days ago.

i lied. i'm not so fine after all.

Well mentally, I'm grand :) (ahem) Physically alas I am defeated.

This tale of woe begins last Wednesday. Some of you may be aware that I have joined a footie team at work; every Wednesday lunchtime we kick around a ball for half an hour or so, and get all sweaty and nasty. I am especially trying hard to run off all my holiday fat. Anyway, our games are become slightly notorious for the violence and spate of injuries - concussions, sprains, pulled muscles, the usual array. Last Wednesday, the hand of god dictated it was my turn. I went in for a tackle and collided with an S&M (sales and marketing, just to clarify) girl.

Having previously suffered injuries when I played in Japan (to the extent that my school wanted to ban me from playing as every Monday the school nurse would have to bandage me up!) it is fair to say that maybe my joints are a bit weaker than they used to. That afternoon, my right foot was swollen, my knee hurt and my thigh was in pain.

Thursday all was better.

Saturday fate struck again. Whilst partaking of some badminton in the garden at the boy's mom's house, I managed to find a hole in the ground. With my right foot. Swollen again and Koo was benched, as it were.

Sunday morning, all was better.

Alas though the tale does not end here. These things always happen in 3's, so they say, and lo and behold my right foot was determined to prove it.

Roll on Sunday afternoon.

En route back to ours from boy's mom's, boy and I stopped to visit my Gran. Having yet to print out our holiday photos, I took my laptop to show them to Gran. As boy was working away in her garden, I went through them with Gran. The phone rang. Being helpful, I said I would get it. As I leapt up and hustled to the phone, I got tangled in the bag for my laptop. Which I had carelessly left right at my feet. My right big toe hit the floor with an almighty CRACK. As I was on the phone, I refrained from swearing or even really acknowledging the pain.

What I thought was a stubbed toe gradually bruised as the day went on, and the bruise grew. The foot became stiffer. By the time we got home I was in pain so boy took me to a&e (makes up for all the times I've taken him!)

I would like to complain here that all other foot-injured patients were given wheelchairs to get around. I was not. So I had to hobble from reception to the doctor to the x-ray room and back again. X-rays showed I'd chipped some bone off my big toe. Oops. Toe has been taped up. Koo was not given crutches - like every other foot-injured patient - and was forced to half hop, half hobble to the car.

We finally got in at 2am. I am tired. And sore. And my toe is now black/purple. I'm banned from all sports for 4 weeks.

Stay tuned for toe colour updates.

i promise i'm fine

Just a quick update (as Desperate Housewives is on, and is getting really, really good) -

a few of you have been in touch since reading my last rant. Apologies for any concern, I am really ok :) I just snapped after a very long first week back.

I hear Mary Alice's voice so will be back later, boy-permitting ;)

do not disturb

Ok here's the deal. I'm a 26 year old woman living with my boyfriend. We each have family in this country. We both work. We both have our own friends. As well as work, we own our house (well, boy does at least) and are responsible for its upkeep. We by no means earn enough to pay someone to clean it for us nor do our laundry nor our food shopping.

Factor our ages into this (boy's 31). So it's fairly plausible that we're both going to have friends old enough to get married and have babies and buy new homes. We're both going to have friends in similar situations to us. We're also both long enough out of shcool/uni to expect reunions to crop up (well, I'm more likely to as I studied in this country). Factor in stuff like ooooh sleep and there's our life.

I am exhausted. I've been back not even a week from a glorious two week holiday (more on that another time as I'm too upset and angry at the moment) and already I'm fed up. I'm tired of justifying my life and the decisions I've made. I apologise to everyone I rarely see anymore (and this is the last bloody time too that I'm apologising as I've been at my job for 7 months now) but when you work till 7 at night, not getting home till 8.30, you don't have much of an evening. Especially not when everyone else works 9-5.30. I understand that you need your sleep. I'm sorry if I'm not around during the week. Accept it, it's a fact of (my) life now. The job was too good to pass up. And surely this is better for me - I'm not unhappy all the time, I'm not as sick and stressed out, I'm not complaining all the time about how much I hate my job. I'm happy. I found something that works for me. Be happy for me.

Don't hound me cause I'm never around during the week. The 7-month statute of limitations has expired now. Try to understand that the weekend - those 2 precious days a week - is the only time I get to do normal things, like laundry, food shopping, cleaning the house; things I used to do during the week. As well as juggle my family, boy's family, all my friends, all of the boy's friends. I may not get to see you every week. Don't take it personally. There may be a period of a few weeks when I cannot see you. Don't take it personally. Indeed you may even have to go a month without seeing me. Doesn't mean we can't talk on the phone or email or even just text to say "hey, thinking of you. How the heck are ya?" That's always nice. I understand that you too have a life and a million and one things to do with your precious weekend.

Understand that I'm/we're not seeing you because we don't want to, but because sometimes there are things that we can't get out of, nor would we want to. Like weddings. Seeing a friend's new baby. Catching up with someone we haven't seen for months because they've been busy, we've been busy, or people have fallen ill. A birthday. Helping a friend move house. Going to reunions. Seeing our families (especially those at a distance where it is a whole weekend affair). And doing stuff for us - getting away from it all. Trying to get our house decorated. Just having some down time. Gardening. All that filing that builds up for months cause we're never here long enough and conscious enough to do it. I/we don't complain when you're busy; we understand that not everyone's schedule will synch.

The reason for this rant is I am tired. I've been getting it from both sides this week and I've had enough. I'm not saying we're busy cause we don't want to see you. I'm saying we're busy cause we genuinely are. If it's not a big deal, why don't you say so at the beginning, rather than harrassing me for days so I rearrange my life (and inevitably at least one other person's beyond my boy) to make sure we see you, then tell me it's no big deal?

This must sound ungrateful, and I'm truly not meaning it to. I like spending time with my family, especially as we've all been getting older, it's really nice to hang with them. Easter 2006 was ace for that very reason - we all just hung out, we weren't doing anything special. I like hanging with my boy's family - his bro is just so sweet and fun, his ma a laugh and his stepdad cracks me up. And again it's nice, it's easy, we just hang out. It's family time, which is so important.

And it's nice that our friends want to see us too. Of course it's nice. And I want to see you too! It's hard to fit everyone in all the time, so sometimes I do have to say no to seeing people. Heck, my old housemate and I haven't been able to co-ordinate since January! Which is appalling really, when only a year ago I saw her every single day and I miss her so much. But she has a life as do I. It sucks, we're aware of it and we're trying to fix it. My best mate is a legend - he always makes sure we get our time, both with and without our respective partners (with is always good too though as his girlf is one of my closest friends). But he gets it. He understands me, and is cool with hanging out after 9 during the week and will prompt me if I forget to see him for a while.

I don't hound people when they're busy and can't see me. I accept it and try to find another day/time for us to meet. Sometimes, if it's a one-off and/or special thing (birthday's, weddings, hen do's, reunion, new house, etc) I will do my utmost to be there, even if it means I get there late cause of work.

What I hate is being hounded to the point where I'm stressed out about it. Especially if I've acknowledged the situation. Don't keep harassing me, I'll try to fix it. But accept sometimes I can't. I'm not going to call my friend and say "sorry, can you move your wedding? I haven't see Bob for ages and he's hounding me". I hate cancelling/rearranging plans, especially when it is so hard to make them in the first place. My schoolfriend who just had a baby - she's super busy. And I want to see her whenever she's free, keep up with her and the little princess. I felt so bad this week having to rearrange plans with her and her family to keep someone else happy. (Although I acknowledge that the other person had a point, and I wanted to see them too, I just hate feeling manipulated or obliged into something.)

It's a fact of life that we're all getting older and taking on more committments. It happens. And it means we have less time to go around for everyone else. It sucks, but it happens. It just makes the times we do get together all the more special. We should be cherishing and valuing those rather than always fighting and complaining at each other. Each of us has a life. We're all busy people. It's as important to slow down and take time for yourself as it is to see your family and friends. We all just need to cut each other some slack and accept that just because we're free one day, doesn't mean someone else is.